Update from the Corporate Office

Businesses across the country and around the world have been slashing jobs at astounding rates. But some companies are bucking the trend with innovative ideas. For example, below is a letter recently sent to all employees of a leading corporation.

We want to make it perfectly clear that protecting jobs is our top priority. However, this comes with trade-offs. So, my fellow coworkers, ask not what your company can do for you (other than preserve your job); ask what you can do for your company.

Effectively immediately, there is no such thing as discretionary and non-discretionary spending. All spending is discretionary. And discretionary spending must be drastically reduced. With this in mind, all employees are being asked (errr ... told) to adhere to new guidelines, some of which are posted below:

Airfare Drive instead.

Automobile Use your own damn car.

Hotels A hostel is better (and contains the same letters).

Free Drinks The free drink program has been modified. Soda and coffee will be replaced with water (and reclaimed waste water at that). This will not only cut costs, but help with conservation.

Supplies Supply your own. If it's good enough for public school teachers, it's good enough for us.

Training If you can't do your job by now, you're hosed anyway.

Consulting No consulting fees are allowed. The only exception is for consulting fees associated with eliminating the costs of consulting.

Heating For those in cold climates, wear a sweater to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much above freezing.

Cooling For those in hot climates, wear shorts and a t-shirt to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much below the heat stroke threshold.

Software Use freeware. It's all a bunch of 1's and 0's anyway. And don't worry about IT (Information Technology). They'll be happy to have the additional job security that comes with ferreting out undesirable rogue applications.

Intangibles Intangible spending has been way too high lately. The actual amount is unclear but it is most certainly out of control. Please bring intangible costs down to an acceptable level (whatever that may be).

There you have it - our current thinking to get us through these uncertain economic times. Thanks in advance for your cooperation (and remember what happens if you don't). Further updates will be given as needed.