A 10th of a Second of Pain

Ever find yourself in a taxing situation? I just filed my US federal income taxes. Per normal course, shock and depression quickly set in at the sizable chunk of change flowing from paycheck to treasury. We’re talking 16% of income (and that’s fed only – ignoring state, local, sales, and other taxes). That’s like working two months out of the year just to support my favorite uncle (Sam). Then, as usual, reason set in. It’s all in how one looks at things. How big of a burden is this really? A few calculations revealed that I only kept the national government running for approximately one tenth of a second (0.1 s). How can that be too much to ask? Now that the pain of paying is over, I feel better already.

PowerPoint Is My Brother

I gaze up at the enormous icon. Twenty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the bullet fields and pie chart. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickle down the sides of my nose. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love PowerPoint.

Korea rules US currency as good as cash

US currency ($) has been an intriguing area of multinational transactions with different regions and countries treating the more or less fictional money supply differently.

In what could be a landmark decision, South Korea today boldly declared that US currency is the equivalent of real-world money.

The ruling allowing US money sets a new course for Korea. US dollars there, like many other places, have long been the sole province of board games like Monopoly. The decision was based on the acquittal of a family who fell on hard times and tried using their game USDs at a local store.

Other countries have tried similar US-dollar for real-cash swapping experiments with problematic results in part due to dollar holders scoffing at the idea of paying taxes on such a transaction.

But don’t write off the possibility of this concept expanding. Dramatic growth in the nonexistent US money supply has trickled down into games worldwide and more and more people are finding themselves in situations where they could use a bit of extra real money. Sooner or later, world citizens may want to do something meaningful with their US dollars. If and when that happens, things could get really interesting.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Oh boy, it’s corporate performance review time! This is one of my favorite periods – so much so that I feel like breaking out into song. To share the occasion, I propose a sing-along. So find a karaoke machine or stream up your favorite music channel and select the Andy Williams classic It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Lyrics (slightly revised) are given below:

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With accomplishments swelling

And everyone yelling about their careers

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's the hap-happiest season of all

With employees competing the staff level meeting

Erupts in a brawl

It's the hap-happiest season of all

There’ll be bragging and boasting

Key strengths diagnosing

Comparisons high to low

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Performance reviews long ago

It's the most wonderful time of the year

They’ll be much quid pro quoing

And all hope they’re plateauing over their peers

It's the most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be bragging and boasting

Harsh subjective roasting

Like a reality TV show

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Performance reviews long ago

It's the most wonderful time of the year

They’ll be much quid pro quoing

And everyone’s busily sharpening their spears

It's the most blunder filled time

It’s the knuckle under big time

It's the most wonderful time of the year

A Visit from St. Nickel-less

'Twas the night before Christmas, and after the bell

Analysts were preparing more recommendations to sell;

The stock-holders had been hung out to dry with despair,

With predictions that Dow Jones would continue as bear;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of college money drained from their heads,

And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Could not settle our brains worth a long winter’s crap —

When out all around there arose layoff chatter,

After spending my life climbing corporate ladder.

Away from big profits we flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, and threw out the cash.

The doom in the eyes of the new fallen many,

Gave the luster of value to even a penny;

When what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But incalculable losses from investments unclear,

How could age old investors be this out of whack?

I knew in a moment it must have been crack.

More rabid than bats the coursers they came

Someone whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now! Crasher, now! Cancer, now! Lancer, and Vixen,

“On! Vomit, on! Stupid, on! Blunder and Nixon;

To the repossessed Porsche! To the Street of the Wall!

“Cash dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As bubbles before the realities hit,

When they meet with an obstacle, must not admit;

So up toward the housing foreclosures they flew,

With a sleigh full of assumptions too good to be true:

And then after thinking Did somebody goof?

Came the hemming and hawing of economists aloof.

As I grew in my dread, hoping for a turn around,

Down the chimney St. Nickel-less came with a bound:

He was mess’d up for sure, a sight not to forget,

His fur clothes had been garnished to pay for past debt;

A bag nearly empty was hung on his back,

And he look’d like a panhandler in need of a snack:

His eye brows were wrinkled! His dimples: how scary,

His cheeks needed lotion, his breath reeked of sherry;

The drool from his mouth drained way down to his toe,

And the yellow stained beard was like huskies in snow;

The hope of a pipedream past held in belief,

Had gone up in smoke with no asset relief.

He had a broad face, and a distended belly

In desperate need of a trip to the deli:

Others’ folly had spelled the fall of this old elf,

And I cried when I saw him in spite of myself;

The stink of this guy and the cyst on his head

Soon gave me to thinking I’d rather be dead.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And stole all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk,

It’s hard to keep feet warm up at the North Pole,

And having the socks, up the chimney he strolled.

He clung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like a ballistic missile:

But I heard him exclaim, in the midst of all blight —

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Snow

Flurries and drifts of winter fun

Sliding down a toboggan run

Snowball fights where both sides won

I’ve looked at snow that way

But now I must behave adult

I’m late for work but it’s not my fault

Get the plow and pour the salt

The snow is in the way

I’ve looked at snow from both sides now

From pro and con and still somehow

It’s snow’s illusions that I recall

I really don’t know snow at all

[credit to Joni]

Phantom of the Little Opera House on the Prairie

In a colossal double-booking error, ASU Gammage recently discovered that it had scheduled both Phantom of the Opera and Little House on the Prairie in early December 2009. Negotiations for an early end to the Phantom run proved fruitless. When asked for comment, Christine said “no one ever thinks of me in these situations” while the Phantom was of the opinion that things were past the point of no return. Rescheduling Little House was not a viable option either. When approached with the idea, Ma became furious and exclaimed “Do you think you’re dealing with a bunch of country girls? There will be no prairie moves.” In the end, a compromise was reached. For the overlapping period, both musicals will be merged into one – Phantom of the Little Opera House on the Prairie. In striking irony, early reviews report that the combined production could be a bigger hit than any single musical ever. So get your tickets now and prepare for entertainment to the 2nd degree. Songs include:

Angel in the Kitchen
We’re Lost in a 4th of July Masquerade
All I Ask of You is to make it Home
Wishing You Could Somehow See Again
Thunder of the Night

By the way, please don’t mention anything to Annie or Mary Poppins (or Jesus Christ for that matter). Things are complicated enough already.

See you at the Gammage!