Perks for Jerks

In an effort to attract and retain top talent, technology companies often benchmark their policies against those of other similar players. In a recent review by the Technology for Humanity Consortium [known as (and for using) THC], it came to light that a major California based computer and printer corporation had an edge. The company, that will remain nameless (but whose initials are HP), uses a practice called Pay for Foul Play where an executive may receive hefty sums of cash and stock for activities ranging from falsifying expense reports to engaging in secret personal relationships with a contractor of the opposite sex. In the interest of fairness, THC is recommending that all tech companies start their own competitive programs. Many leading organizations are already on board and have launched new policies that are open to all employees (not just executives). There are an array of payout levels that include cash, stock, and other benefits distributed across a wide spread of questionable activities. Although details cannot be revealed, trial runs of pilot programs tailored to individual company preferences have proven to be enormously popular. These include Perks for Jerks, Roll in the Hay for Pay, and Expensing out of the Box. There has never been a greater time to join a tech corp. Break out that resume, call a headhunter, and start misbehaving today.

Cancer Study Results – No Link between Semiconductor Work and Mortality

The Semiconductor Manufacturing Assembly Research & Test ASSociation (SMARTASS for short) would like to share reassuring results of an exhaustive multi-year study covering numerous semiconductor industry workers that found no statistically valid scientifically proven association between overall cancer mortality and working in the semiconductor business. The study was conducted by a diverse team of researchers from Philip Morris and other trustworthy organizations. The principal finding was that work in the semiconductor industry was not associated with increased cancer mortality.*


[*relative to elderly populations, those with high sun exposure, and Russian nuclear power plant workers.]


In layman's terms, the study results mean that if you work in the semiconductor industry, you are not at increased risk of dying from cancer compared to a laboratory animal consuming ten times its body weight in toxic chemicals on a regular basis. This is reassuring news for people that can't think for themselves.


The study was recently released for publication in the Journal of Cancer Treatment for Profit (special Ka-Ching edition). SMARTASS remains committed to pretending that there is a safe work environment for all technology employees. If you have questions or concerns; please plop yourself down on a couch, smoke some cigarettes, munch some junk food, drink some water (preferably arsenic laced), and forget about it.

I Want My Google TV (?)

[With apologies to Dire Straits]

I want my

I want my Google TV…

Smart television mojo, that’s the way to do it

Play Jersey Shore from the MTV

It ain’t workin’, Viacom won’t do it

Content unavailable ‘cept for normal PCs

No it ain’t workin’, What’s the way to do it?

Lemme tell ya Smart TV seems dumb

Maybe stream some clips from Jerry Springer

Just don’t try to watch ‘em over VH1

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

See network news in the morning when you wake up

Replay finale of So You Think You Can Dance

Watch episodes of The Office so you crack up

But with Google’s browser you don’t stand a chance

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

I shoulda bought a laptop with WiDi

I shoulda known Smart TV was dumb

Lookin’ for medical drama, clickin’ on Grey’s Anatomy

It’s ABC, so I can have none

And what’s that new show? Hawaii Five-0?

Haven’t seen an episode since the 70’s

It ain’t workin”, CBS won’t do it

Content unavailable ‘cept for normal PCs

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

Listen here, it ain’t workin’, What’s the way to do it?

Unplugged guitar jams on the MTV

It ain’t workin’, Viacom won’t do it

Spent my money for nothin’, I can’t even watch Glee

Spent my money for nothin’, but I can click for free

Money for nothin’, Fox-blocked from Glee

Money for nothin’, got a black-listed IP

Spent my money for nothin’, and I can’t watch Glee

I don’t want my, I don’t want my, I don’t want my Google TV

I don’t want my, I don’t want my, I don’t want my Google TV…

[The opinions herein do not necessarily reflect the views of any of the aforementioned or implied parties. Actually, they do not even necessarily reflect the views of the author. Any registered or unregistered trademarks or service-marks making an appearance are strictly incidental and rights remain with the respective owning entities. Please don’t sue me.]

The Second Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Oh boy, it’s half-year corporate performance review season. This is my favorite time period – second only to annual reviews. A sequel sing-along is definitely in order. Here we go once again to the Andy Williams classic It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (this time with further revised lyrics):

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

With accomplishment gathering

And everyone blathering about their careers

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

It’s the second happiest season of all

With employees competing team work starts receding

Then slows to a crawl

It’s the second happiest season of all

There’ll be out-standers coasting

Some scapegoats for toasting

And quarreling high and low

There’ll be contrary stories

And task inventories

Though Full-Year was not long ago

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be much BS flowing

And horns will be blowing to out-sound all peers

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be prognosticating

Out-of-cycle ratings

Comparisons fast to slow

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Half-Years of long long ago

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be much BS flowing

And horns will be blowing to out-sound all peers

There’s a corporate ladder to climb

Though your pay raise is less than a dime

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

Corporate America Updates Stock Options Pricing Model

In a desperate move to retain top talent, corporations across the country have developed stock option exchange programs where employees can exchange old underwater options for a smaller number of new options at current market prices. Typically, fair values of stock options (surrendered and received) are determined using the Black-Scholes option pricing model. The mathematical equation is:

C = SN(d1) – Xe(-rt)N(d2)

d1 = (ln(S/X) + (r + s2/2)t)/(s√t)

d2 = d1 - s√t

Where C is the theoretical call price, S is the current stock price, N is the cumulative standard normal distribution function, X is the option strike price, r is the risk-free interest rate, t is the time until option expiration, and s is the standard deviation of stock returns.

However, late-breaking research has shown that this model (developed in the 1970s) is only valid for options granted earlier than the year 2000. Fortunately, financial economist Nylon Hole has taken over where Black (and Scholes) left off. Based on Fischer Black’s earlier work and accounting for uncertainty in 21st century market fluctuations, Nylon has introduced an updated option pricing formula. Subject to approval by Wall Street bankers (and their government tools), the new Black-Hole model will be used in most exchange programs. The equation is:

Pg + DCbb + Rg = B-H

Where Pg is grant price, DCbb is the dot.com bubble burst, Rg is the great recession, and B-H is the final value of your stock options. By definition, “B-H” means that employees’ options have been sucked into a black hole of worthlessness and will never escape unless and until there is a change in the fundamental physical laws of the universe.

Hopefully, no-one will be disappointed. The workers know that they helped make their workplaces the great companies they are today, and that feeling should be good enough. The corporate entities combined would like to extend a challenge to all employees: let’s stay focused on what we need to do and just forget about this whole stock option thing. Have faith in the future.

A 10th of a Second of Pain

Ever find yourself in a taxing situation? I just filed my US federal income taxes. Per normal course, shock and depression quickly set in at the sizable chunk of change flowing from paycheck to treasury. We’re talking 16% of income (and that’s fed only – ignoring state, local, sales, and other taxes). That’s like working two months out of the year just to support my favorite uncle (Sam). Then, as usual, reason set in. It’s all in how one looks at things. How big of a burden is this really? A few calculations revealed that I only kept the national government running for approximately one tenth of a second (0.1 s). How can that be too much to ask? Now that the pain of paying is over, I feel better already.

PowerPoint Is My Brother

I gaze up at the enormous icon. Twenty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the bullet fields and pie chart. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickle down the sides of my nose. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love PowerPoint.