Perks for Jerks

In an effort to attract and retain top talent, technology companies often benchmark their policies against those of other similar players. In a recent review by the Technology for Humanity Consortium [known as (and for using) THC], it came to light that a major California based computer and printer corporation had an edge. The company, that will remain nameless (but whose initials are HP), uses a practice called Pay for Foul Play where an executive may receive hefty sums of cash and stock for activities ranging from falsifying expense reports to engaging in secret personal relationships with a contractor of the opposite sex. In the interest of fairness, THC is recommending that all tech companies start their own competitive programs. Many leading organizations are already on board and have launched new policies that are open to all employees (not just executives). There are an array of payout levels that include cash, stock, and other benefits distributed across a wide spread of questionable activities. Although details cannot be revealed, trial runs of pilot programs tailored to individual company preferences have proven to be enormously popular. These include Perks for Jerks, Roll in the Hay for Pay, and Expensing out of the Box. There has never been a greater time to join a tech corp. Break out that resume, call a headhunter, and start misbehaving today.

Cancer Study Results – No Link between Semiconductor Work and Mortality

The Semiconductor Manufacturing Assembly Research & Test ASSociation (SMARTASS for short) would like to share reassuring results of an exhaustive multi-year study covering numerous semiconductor industry workers that found no statistically valid scientifically proven association between overall cancer mortality and working in the semiconductor business. The study was conducted by a diverse team of researchers from Philip Morris and other trustworthy organizations. The principal finding was that work in the semiconductor industry was not associated with increased cancer mortality.*


[*relative to elderly populations, those with high sun exposure, and Russian nuclear power plant workers.]


In layman's terms, the study results mean that if you work in the semiconductor industry, you are not at increased risk of dying from cancer compared to a laboratory animal consuming ten times its body weight in toxic chemicals on a regular basis. This is reassuring news for people that can't think for themselves.


The study was recently released for publication in the Journal of Cancer Treatment for Profit (special Ka-Ching edition). SMARTASS remains committed to pretending that there is a safe work environment for all technology employees. If you have questions or concerns; please plop yourself down on a couch, smoke some cigarettes, munch some junk food, drink some water (preferably arsenic laced), and forget about it.