PowerPoint of no Return

[Sung to the tune of "The Point of no Return" from The Phantom of the Opera]

You have come here

To conform to a presenting style

To convert what was meaningful content to sound bites

sound bites

I will show you

How to create a dot PPT file

The civilized world has already come to see

This is the way documentation was meant to be

Now you have been set free

One bullet thoughts in the template provided

provided

PowerPoint of no return

No backward glances

The ways we used to write are at an end

Complex thought is not allowed

Keep it simplistic

Abandon thought and let the slides begin

What catchy title shall fill the page?

What section headers are in store?

What neat production lies before us?

PowerPoint of no return

A frenzied slide show

The auto-content wizard went berserk

In the PowerPoint of no return

You have brought me

To a place paragraphs don’t apply

Where thoughtfully written reports disappear into sounds bites

sound bites

I had come here

Knowing only in-depth summaries

In my mind I’ve already distilled them to

Text boxes, smart art, and other such eye candy

Now I know what to do

One bullet thoughts in the template provided

provided

PowerPoint of no return

A never-ending slide show

With page to page transitions that annoy

Past all hope of knowledge gained

Zero retention

But with animated inserts to enjoy

Where the sub bullets run so deep

That half the listeners are asleep

While others squint at the small font size

PowerPoint of no return

The final version

The slides go on and on without adjourn

In the PowerPoint of no return

Update from the Corporate Office

Businesses across the country and around the world have been slashing jobs at astounding rates. But some companies are bucking the trend with innovative ideas. For example, below is a letter recently sent to all employees of a leading corporation.

We want to make it perfectly clear that protecting jobs is our top priority. However, this comes with trade-offs. So, my fellow coworkers, ask not what your company can do for you (other than preserve your job); ask what you can do for your company.

Effectively immediately, there is no such thing as discretionary and non-discretionary spending. All spending is discretionary. And discretionary spending must be drastically reduced. With this in mind, all employees are being asked (errr ... told) to adhere to new guidelines, some of which are posted below:

Airfare Drive instead.

Automobile Use your own damn car.

Hotels A hostel is better (and contains the same letters).

Free Drinks The free drink program has been modified. Soda and coffee will be replaced with water (and reclaimed waste water at that). This will not only cut costs, but help with conservation.

Supplies Supply your own. If it's good enough for public school teachers, it's good enough for us.

Training If you can't do your job by now, you're hosed anyway.

Consulting No consulting fees are allowed. The only exception is for consulting fees associated with eliminating the costs of consulting.

Heating For those in cold climates, wear a sweater to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much above freezing.

Cooling For those in hot climates, wear shorts and a t-shirt to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much below the heat stroke threshold.

Software Use freeware. It's all a bunch of 1's and 0's anyway. And don't worry about IT (Information Technology). They'll be happy to have the additional job security that comes with ferreting out undesirable rogue applications.

Intangibles Intangible spending has been way too high lately. The actual amount is unclear but it is most certainly out of control. Please bring intangible costs down to an acceptable level (whatever that may be).

There you have it - our current thinking to get us through these uncertain economic times. Thanks in advance for your cooperation (and remember what happens if you don't). Further updates will be given as needed.

Ugly mug? Bag it!

New vision-friendly campaign rolls out across the country and world

This year, many corporations across the country and around the world are rolling out an “Ugly mug? Bag it!” campaign. The operation asks facial-beauty-challenged employees to use paper bags when they are at work.

There is a growing trend for workers to break away from their isolated cubicles and spend more time socializing face to face with real people. As a result, it has become strikingly apparent that many colleagues are simply plain or downright repulsive to look at. But many organizations believe that the office environment should be a Gorgeous Place To Work. It is in this spirit that the campaign was launched.

Ugly employees are encouraged to bring their own reusable bags from home and wear them over their heads at all times when visual contact is possible. In addition, low-cost paper bags are being offered for sale in lobbies to be given as subtle gifts to those coworkers who may not realize that they should get with the program.

These leading companies are striving to offer the best in workplace pleasantness and create a more beautiful tomorrow.

So “Ugly mug? Bag it!”

[For additional information, contact anyone other than the author of this post.]

Career Advice: How to Pursue Job Satisfaction and Longevity – Madonna Style

Brought to you by Corporate Employee Miscommunications

In an effort to attract and retain younger (and cheaper) employees, corporations are encouraging workers (especially recent graduates) to constantly reinvent themselves, have fun, stay fresh, and keep learning. The line may go something like this - “If Madonna can do it, so can you.”

For those with reinvention block, here are some specific tips on how to kick your career into the next gear:

1. Publish a borderline pornographic book for casual reading pleasure. Why let your thoughts and visions languish in your mind? Put them on paper for the world to see.
2. Go on a late night talk show and spout profanities throughout the appearance. Have no fear, the censors will ensure that nothing leaks out in full over the air waves. And don’t forget to remove your underwear before the show and give them to the host.
3. Have a child with your personal trainer. Or make it two. Go ahead and raise the bar on how personal you can get with your fitness trainer.
4. Kiss Britney and Christina (or other same-sex pop stars of your choice). Feel free to explore your pent-up curiosity (preferably on international television) and see where it takes things.
5. Stage a mock crucifixion as part of a concert tour that includes a performance in Rome within walking distance of the Vatican (and send the Pope an invitation while you’re at it). But don’t limit yourself to offending any one world religion, there are many to choose from.

Most importantly, take your company into the music biz and sign up to work on the debut album release and concert tour. See how high you can climb up the charts. Others have done it with hit songs like:

• 4 Minutes to Save the Factory
• Give It 2 Me (My Raise), and
• The Shift Goes On, And On (featuring Pain from All Directions)

So climb on board with corporate America for satisfaction, longevity (that’s right, Madonna is from Generation Jones … before X and Y), fun, freshness, and never-ending reinvention.