I Want My Google TV (?)

[With apologies to Dire Straits]

I want my

I want my Google TV…

Smart television mojo, that’s the way to do it

Play Jersey Shore from the MTV

It ain’t workin’, Viacom won’t do it

Content unavailable ‘cept for normal PCs

No it ain’t workin’, What’s the way to do it?

Lemme tell ya Smart TV seems dumb

Maybe stream some clips from Jerry Springer

Just don’t try to watch ‘em over VH1

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

See network news in the morning when you wake up

Replay finale of So You Think You Can Dance

Watch episodes of The Office so you crack up

But with Google’s browser you don’t stand a chance

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

I shoulda bought a laptop with WiDi

I shoulda known Smart TV was dumb

Lookin’ for medical drama, clickin’ on Grey’s Anatomy

It’s ABC, so I can have none

And what’s that new show? Hawaii Five-0?

Haven’t seen an episode since the 70’s

It ain’t workin”, CBS won’t do it

Content unavailable ‘cept for normal PCs

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

Listen here, it ain’t workin’, What’s the way to do it?

Unplugged guitar jams on the MTV

It ain’t workin’, Viacom won’t do it

Spent my money for nothin’, I can’t even watch Glee

Spent my money for nothin’, but I can click for free

Money for nothin’, Fox-blocked from Glee

Money for nothin’, got a black-listed IP

Spent my money for nothin’, and I can’t watch Glee

I don’t want my, I don’t want my, I don’t want my Google TV

I don’t want my, I don’t want my, I don’t want my Google TV…

[The opinions herein do not necessarily reflect the views of any of the aforementioned or implied parties. Actually, they do not even necessarily reflect the views of the author. Any registered or unregistered trademarks or service-marks making an appearance are strictly incidental and rights remain with the respective owning entities. Please don’t sue me.]

The Second Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Oh boy, it’s half-year corporate performance review season. This is my favorite time period – second only to annual reviews. A sequel sing-along is definitely in order. Here we go once again to the Andy Williams classic It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (this time with further revised lyrics):

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

With accomplishment gathering

And everyone blathering about their careers

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

It’s the second happiest season of all

With employees competing team work starts receding

Then slows to a crawl

It’s the second happiest season of all

There’ll be out-standers coasting

Some scapegoats for toasting

And quarreling high and low

There’ll be contrary stories

And task inventories

Though Full-Year was not long ago

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be much BS flowing

And horns will be blowing to out-sound all peers

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be prognosticating

Out-of-cycle ratings

Comparisons fast to slow

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Half-Years of long long ago

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be much BS flowing

And horns will be blowing to out-sound all peers

There’s a corporate ladder to climb

Though your pay raise is less than a dime

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

Corporate America Updates Stock Options Pricing Model

In a desperate move to retain top talent, corporations across the country have developed stock option exchange programs where employees can exchange old underwater options for a smaller number of new options at current market prices. Typically, fair values of stock options (surrendered and received) are determined using the Black-Scholes option pricing model. The mathematical equation is:

C = SN(d1) – Xe(-rt)N(d2)

d1 = (ln(S/X) + (r + s2/2)t)/(s√t)

d2 = d1 - s√t

Where C is the theoretical call price, S is the current stock price, N is the cumulative standard normal distribution function, X is the option strike price, r is the risk-free interest rate, t is the time until option expiration, and s is the standard deviation of stock returns.

However, late-breaking research has shown that this model (developed in the 1970s) is only valid for options granted earlier than the year 2000. Fortunately, financial economist Nylon Hole has taken over where Black (and Scholes) left off. Based on Fischer Black’s earlier work and accounting for uncertainty in 21st century market fluctuations, Nylon has introduced an updated option pricing formula. Subject to approval by Wall Street bankers (and their government tools), the new Black-Hole model will be used in most exchange programs. The equation is:

Pg + DCbb + Rg = B-H

Where Pg is grant price, DCbb is the dot.com bubble burst, Rg is the great recession, and B-H is the final value of your stock options. By definition, “B-H” means that employees’ options have been sucked into a black hole of worthlessness and will never escape unless and until there is a change in the fundamental physical laws of the universe.

Hopefully, no-one will be disappointed. The workers know that they helped make their workplaces the great companies they are today, and that feeling should be good enough. The corporate entities combined would like to extend a challenge to all employees: let’s stay focused on what we need to do and just forget about this whole stock option thing. Have faith in the future.

A 10th of a Second of Pain

Ever find yourself in a taxing situation? I just filed my US federal income taxes. Per normal course, shock and depression quickly set in at the sizable chunk of change flowing from paycheck to treasury. We’re talking 16% of income (and that’s fed only – ignoring state, local, sales, and other taxes). That’s like working two months out of the year just to support my favorite uncle (Sam). Then, as usual, reason set in. It’s all in how one looks at things. How big of a burden is this really? A few calculations revealed that I only kept the national government running for approximately one tenth of a second (0.1 s). How can that be too much to ask? Now that the pain of paying is over, I feel better already.

PowerPoint Is My Brother

I gaze up at the enormous icon. Twenty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the bullet fields and pie chart. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickle down the sides of my nose. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love PowerPoint.

Korea rules US currency as good as cash

US currency ($) has been an intriguing area of multinational transactions with different regions and countries treating the more or less fictional money supply differently.

In what could be a landmark decision, South Korea today boldly declared that US currency is the equivalent of real-world money.

The ruling allowing US money sets a new course for Korea. US dollars there, like many other places, have long been the sole province of board games like Monopoly. The decision was based on the acquittal of a family who fell on hard times and tried using their game USDs at a local store.

Other countries have tried similar US-dollar for real-cash swapping experiments with problematic results in part due to dollar holders scoffing at the idea of paying taxes on such a transaction.

But don’t write off the possibility of this concept expanding. Dramatic growth in the nonexistent US money supply has trickled down into games worldwide and more and more people are finding themselves in situations where they could use a bit of extra real money. Sooner or later, world citizens may want to do something meaningful with their US dollars. If and when that happens, things could get really interesting.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Oh boy, it’s corporate performance review time! This is one of my favorite periods – so much so that I feel like breaking out into song. To share the occasion, I propose a sing-along. So find a karaoke machine or stream up your favorite music channel and select the Andy Williams classic It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Lyrics (slightly revised) are given below:

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With accomplishments swelling

And everyone yelling about their careers

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's the hap-happiest season of all

With employees competing the staff level meeting

Erupts in a brawl

It's the hap-happiest season of all

There’ll be bragging and boasting

Key strengths diagnosing

Comparisons high to low

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Performance reviews long ago

It's the most wonderful time of the year

They’ll be much quid pro quoing

And all hope they’re plateauing over their peers

It's the most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be bragging and boasting

Harsh subjective roasting

Like a reality TV show

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Performance reviews long ago

It's the most wonderful time of the year

They’ll be much quid pro quoing

And everyone’s busily sharpening their spears

It's the most blunder filled time

It’s the knuckle under big time

It's the most wonderful time of the year