A Visit from St. Nickel-less

'Twas the night before Christmas, and after the bell

Analysts were preparing more recommendations to sell;

The stock-holders had been hung out to dry with despair,

With predictions that Dow Jones would continue as bear;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of college money drained from their heads,

And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Could not settle our brains worth a long winter’s crap —

When out all around there arose layoff chatter,

After spending my life climbing corporate ladder.

Away from big profits we flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, and threw out the cash.

The doom in the eyes of the new fallen many,

Gave the luster of value to even a penny;

When what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But incalculable losses from investments unclear,

How could age old investors be this out of whack?

I knew in a moment it must have been crack.

More rabid than bats the coursers they came

Someone whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now! Crasher, now! Cancer, now! Lancer, and Vixen,

“On! Vomit, on! Stupid, on! Blunder and Nixon;

To the repossessed Porsche! To the Street of the Wall!

“Cash dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As bubbles before the realities hit,

When they meet with an obstacle, must not admit;

So up toward the housing foreclosures they flew,

With a sleigh full of assumptions too good to be true:

And then after thinking Did somebody goof?

Came the hemming and hawing of economists aloof.

As I grew in my dread, hoping for a turn around,

Down the chimney St. Nickel-less came with a bound:

He was mess’d up for sure, a sight not to forget,

His fur clothes had been garnished to pay for past debt;

A bag nearly empty was hung on his back,

And he look’d like a panhandler in need of a snack:

His eye brows were wrinkled! His dimples: how scary,

His cheeks needed lotion, his breath reeked of sherry;

The drool from his mouth drained way down to his toe,

And the yellow stained beard was like huskies in snow;

The hope of a pipedream past held in belief,

Had gone up in smoke with no asset relief.

He had a broad face, and a distended belly

In desperate need of a trip to the deli:

Others’ folly had spelled the fall of this old elf,

And I cried when I saw him in spite of myself;

The stink of this guy and the cyst on his head

Soon gave me to thinking I’d rather be dead.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And stole all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk,

It’s hard to keep feet warm up at the North Pole,

And having the socks, up the chimney he strolled.

He clung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like a ballistic missile:

But I heard him exclaim, in the midst of all blight —

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Snow

Flurries and drifts of winter fun

Sliding down a toboggan run

Snowball fights where both sides won

I’ve looked at snow that way

But now I must behave adult

I’m late for work but it’s not my fault

Get the plow and pour the salt

The snow is in the way

I’ve looked at snow from both sides now

From pro and con and still somehow

It’s snow’s illusions that I recall

I really don’t know snow at all

[credit to Joni]

Phantom of the Little Opera House on the Prairie

In a colossal double-booking error, ASU Gammage recently discovered that it had scheduled both Phantom of the Opera and Little House on the Prairie in early December 2009. Negotiations for an early end to the Phantom run proved fruitless. When asked for comment, Christine said “no one ever thinks of me in these situations” while the Phantom was of the opinion that things were past the point of no return. Rescheduling Little House was not a viable option either. When approached with the idea, Ma became furious and exclaimed “Do you think you’re dealing with a bunch of country girls? There will be no prairie moves.” In the end, a compromise was reached. For the overlapping period, both musicals will be merged into one – Phantom of the Little Opera House on the Prairie. In striking irony, early reviews report that the combined production could be a bigger hit than any single musical ever. So get your tickets now and prepare for entertainment to the 2nd degree. Songs include:

Angel in the Kitchen
We’re Lost in a 4th of July Masquerade
All I Ask of You is to make it Home
Wishing You Could Somehow See Again
Thunder of the Night

By the way, please don’t mention anything to Annie or Mary Poppins (or Jesus Christ for that matter). Things are complicated enough already.

See you at the Gammage!

Ruptured Problem Solving

Corporate America Launches New Problem Solving Methodology

Companies have often struggled with problem solving. Many approaches have been tried over the years – all attempting to instill structure and formalize a process. Yet problems remain. Some linger perpetually, some fade in and out over time, and new ones are always popping up. Many years have passed with no new thinking on problem solving methodology and it is clearly time for something new.

A recent review of critical problem post-mortems across several industries revealed that the current structured approach almost always broke down due to being overly contrived and in conflict with human nature. For this reason, a new approach has been developed with an emphasis on leveraging natural inclinations.

Here is an overview of how it works:

“Decline the Problem”

Research has shown that the single most difficult part of problem solving is actually solving the problem. Therefore, to avoid getting bogged down in unfruitful endeavors, it is best to avoid the whole “problem” mentality altogether. There are several techniques available but they all boil down to a single common behavior – pretending like the problem does not exist.

“Understate the Current Situation”

In the event that a problem cannot be completely denied, downplay its importance to the most minor consequence possible. With a little practice, you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to rationalize how not solving a problem makes more sense than solving it. For best effect, be sure to use data (preferably the kind that no-one can check for validity).

“Misidentify Causes”

If difficulties are encountered ignoring or marginalizing a problem, then it is time to find causes. People in positions of power the world over have known for ages that the roots of most problems lie with the messenger. Follow their lead and launch a new episode of the blame game with the reporter targeted finger-point-blank in your sites. He or she is most likely a whiney malcontent groping for something to complain about or simply misstating information due to having no real understanding of the way things work.

“Act Surprised and Find a Solution”

At this point, one of two things is true. Either the nonexistent/trivial problem has gone unnoticed and everything is fine or the business is crumbling due to an out of control process. Guess what? It looks like that pesky non-problem bug that was biting at your butt metamorphosed into a monster that just chomped off both glutei maximi in their entirety. But now is not the time for panic. Just act like there was never any indication that a potential problem ever existed. Oh, and by the way, this is the perfect time to come up with some sort of solution.

“Step up for Credit”

Once a solution is finally in place, make sure that credit is given where credit is due. Translation: make sure that you yourself are fully recognized for pulling the activity out of a nearly catastrophic situation.

As you can see, this new approach is masterfully natural and requires little (or no) training. So toss those tired old cumbersome methods away and embrace the new program. Just remember – Decline, Understate, Misidentify, Act Surprised, and Step up (or turn it into a catchy acronym for easy recall). The path to problem solving euphoria is finally before us.

PowerPoint of no Return

[Sung to the tune of "The Point of no Return" from The Phantom of the Opera]

You have come here

To conform to a presenting style

To convert what was meaningful content to sound bites

sound bites

I will show you

How to create a dot PPT file

The civilized world has already come to see

This is the way documentation was meant to be

Now you have been set free

One bullet thoughts in the template provided

provided

PowerPoint of no return

No backward glances

The ways we used to write are at an end

Complex thought is not allowed

Keep it simplistic

Abandon thought and let the slides begin

What catchy title shall fill the page?

What section headers are in store?

What neat production lies before us?

PowerPoint of no return

A frenzied slide show

The auto-content wizard went berserk

In the PowerPoint of no return

You have brought me

To a place paragraphs don’t apply

Where thoughtfully written reports disappear into sounds bites

sound bites

I had come here

Knowing only in-depth summaries

In my mind I’ve already distilled them to

Text boxes, smart art, and other such eye candy

Now I know what to do

One bullet thoughts in the template provided

provided

PowerPoint of no return

A never-ending slide show

With page to page transitions that annoy

Past all hope of knowledge gained

Zero retention

But with animated inserts to enjoy

Where the sub bullets run so deep

That half the listeners are asleep

While others squint at the small font size

PowerPoint of no return

The final version

The slides go on and on without adjourn

In the PowerPoint of no return

Update from the Corporate Office

Businesses across the country and around the world have been slashing jobs at astounding rates. But some companies are bucking the trend with innovative ideas. For example, below is a letter recently sent to all employees of a leading corporation.

We want to make it perfectly clear that protecting jobs is our top priority. However, this comes with trade-offs. So, my fellow coworkers, ask not what your company can do for you (other than preserve your job); ask what you can do for your company.

Effectively immediately, there is no such thing as discretionary and non-discretionary spending. All spending is discretionary. And discretionary spending must be drastically reduced. With this in mind, all employees are being asked (errr ... told) to adhere to new guidelines, some of which are posted below:

Airfare Drive instead.

Automobile Use your own damn car.

Hotels A hostel is better (and contains the same letters).

Free Drinks The free drink program has been modified. Soda and coffee will be replaced with water (and reclaimed waste water at that). This will not only cut costs, but help with conservation.

Supplies Supply your own. If it's good enough for public school teachers, it's good enough for us.

Training If you can't do your job by now, you're hosed anyway.

Consulting No consulting fees are allowed. The only exception is for consulting fees associated with eliminating the costs of consulting.

Heating For those in cold climates, wear a sweater to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much above freezing.

Cooling For those in hot climates, wear shorts and a t-shirt to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much below the heat stroke threshold.

Software Use freeware. It's all a bunch of 1's and 0's anyway. And don't worry about IT (Information Technology). They'll be happy to have the additional job security that comes with ferreting out undesirable rogue applications.

Intangibles Intangible spending has been way too high lately. The actual amount is unclear but it is most certainly out of control. Please bring intangible costs down to an acceptable level (whatever that may be).

There you have it - our current thinking to get us through these uncertain economic times. Thanks in advance for your cooperation (and remember what happens if you don't). Further updates will be given as needed.

Ugly mug? Bag it!

New vision-friendly campaign rolls out across the country and world

This year, many corporations across the country and around the world are rolling out an “Ugly mug? Bag it!” campaign. The operation asks facial-beauty-challenged employees to use paper bags when they are at work.

There is a growing trend for workers to break away from their isolated cubicles and spend more time socializing face to face with real people. As a result, it has become strikingly apparent that many colleagues are simply plain or downright repulsive to look at. But many organizations believe that the office environment should be a Gorgeous Place To Work. It is in this spirit that the campaign was launched.

Ugly employees are encouraged to bring their own reusable bags from home and wear them over their heads at all times when visual contact is possible. In addition, low-cost paper bags are being offered for sale in lobbies to be given as subtle gifts to those coworkers who may not realize that they should get with the program.

These leading companies are striving to offer the best in workplace pleasantness and create a more beautiful tomorrow.

So “Ugly mug? Bag it!”

[For additional information, contact anyone other than the author of this post.]

Career Advice: How to Pursue Job Satisfaction and Longevity – Madonna Style

Brought to you by Corporate Employee Miscommunications

In an effort to attract and retain younger (and cheaper) employees, corporations are encouraging workers (especially recent graduates) to constantly reinvent themselves, have fun, stay fresh, and keep learning. The line may go something like this - “If Madonna can do it, so can you.”

For those with reinvention block, here are some specific tips on how to kick your career into the next gear:

1. Publish a borderline pornographic book for casual reading pleasure. Why let your thoughts and visions languish in your mind? Put them on paper for the world to see.
2. Go on a late night talk show and spout profanities throughout the appearance. Have no fear, the censors will ensure that nothing leaks out in full over the air waves. And don’t forget to remove your underwear before the show and give them to the host.
3. Have a child with your personal trainer. Or make it two. Go ahead and raise the bar on how personal you can get with your fitness trainer.
4. Kiss Britney and Christina (or other same-sex pop stars of your choice). Feel free to explore your pent-up curiosity (preferably on international television) and see where it takes things.
5. Stage a mock crucifixion as part of a concert tour that includes a performance in Rome within walking distance of the Vatican (and send the Pope an invitation while you’re at it). But don’t limit yourself to offending any one world religion, there are many to choose from.

Most importantly, take your company into the music biz and sign up to work on the debut album release and concert tour. See how high you can climb up the charts. Others have done it with hit songs like:

• 4 Minutes to Save the Factory
• Give It 2 Me (My Raise), and
• The Shift Goes On, And On (featuring Pain from All Directions)

So climb on board with corporate America for satisfaction, longevity (that’s right, Madonna is from Generation Jones … before X and Y), fun, freshness, and never-ending reinvention.