Baby It's Cold Outside featuring Jeffrey Epstein

I really can't stay

(But baby it's cold outside)

I've got to go away

(But baby it's cold outside)

This evening has been

(Arranged to have you flown in)

Not very nice

(I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)

My mother will start to worry

(But beautiful, what’s your hurry?)

My father will be pacing the floor

(Stay with me you’ll never be poor)

So really I'd better scurry

(Beautiful, please don't hurry)

Well maybe just a half massage more

(Put some records on I implore)

The neighbors might think

(Be assured that they’re unaware)

Hey I’ve been hoodwinked

(Did I mention I’m a billionaire?)

I feel like I’m in

(Don’t worry it’s no big sin)

Enslavement hell

(No better place for you to dwell)

To this I say no, no, no Sir

(Mind if I move in closer?)

And let me make it clear that I’m through

(Would you like to meet Prince Andrew?)

I really can’t stay

(Oh baby don’t hold out)

Ah but it’s cold outside

I simply must go

(But baby, it's cold outside)

The answer is no

(But baby I can’t be denied)

I’m barely thirteen

(Par for the course of my dreams)

And just might squeal

(I have a way with sweetheart deals)

My sister will be suspicious

(Gosh your lips look delicious)

My brother will be there at the door

(I’ll take you to my tropical shore)

My babysitter’s mind is vicious

(Gosh your lips are delicious)

Well maybe just a vape or two more

(Any flavor that you ask for)

I’ve got to get home

(But baby you’re warm in here)

I have a raw throat

(Please stay on your knees in here)

This is not as I’d planned

(I thrill when you touch my hand)

Oh don’t you see?

(You need to do these things to me)

I’m bound to call authorities tomorrow

(But think of the pain and sorrow)

The charges could go nationwide

(If I went to prison and died)

I really can't stay

(Get over that old doubt)

Baby it's cold outside

Baby It's Cold Outside featuring Bill Cosby

I really can't stay

(But baby it's cold outside)

I've got to go 'way

(But baby it's cold outside)

This audition has been

(I’ll see to it that you get in)

So very nice

(Don’t mind my hands, heed my advice)

My mother will start to worry

(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)

And father will be pacing the floor

(Stick with me you’ll never be poor)

My vision seems to be getting blurry

(Beautiful, please don't hurry)

Well, maybe just a half a drink more

(Put my records on while I pour)

The neighbors might think

(But baby it's bad out there)

Say, what's in this drink?

(May be some methaqualone in there)

I wish I knew how

(Your eyes are like starlight now)

To break this spell

(Drink up or your career will go to hell)

I ought to say no, no, no sir

(Mind if I move in closer?)

At least I'm gonna say that I tried

(I got three Emmys for I Spy)

I really can't stay

(I say Hey Hey Hey)

And baby it's cold outside

I simply must go

(But baby it's cold outside)

I feel like Jane Doe

(But baby it's cold outside)

I’m not really keen

(But you’re over fourteen)

On all this charm

(The Jell-O guy can do no harm)

My sister will be suspicious

(Gosh, your lips look delicious)

My brother will be there at the door

(You may be passed out on the floor)

My maiden aunt's mind is vicious

(Gosh, your legs are delicious)

Well, maybe just a cigarette more

(I have some marijuana in store)

Hey, where am I now?

(The Playboy mansion my dear)

Say, where are my clothes?

(Not needed, it’s warm in hear)

I’ve been badly bruised

(Think of it as paying dues)

I just feel spent

(You gave your unconscious consent)

I’m bound to get a lawyer tomorrow

(Think of my old age sorrow)

Dr. Huxtable goes the way of Mr. Hyde

(If I went to prison and died)

I shouldn’t have stayed

(I got over your old doubt)

Ah, but it's cold outside

The Folks Who Live In Morgan Hill

Someday we'll have a home in Silicon Valley
Something more than a box in an alley
Until then we will harken the call of the folks who live in Morgan Hill

Someday we'll win the lottery and buy bay property
And make upgrades as our dreams fulfill
But until that time we will fall back with the folks who moved to Morgan Hill

Our veranda will command a view worth vaults of green
The sort of view for a lucky few that almost seems obscene
And when the kids move back in much to their economic chagrin
We’ll sit and point at the route to the South, have no doubt

A jumbo size loan buys a nice San Fran shack with a thrill
Complete with the comfort of a suicide pill
Until the time comes, we will join the folks who live in Morgan Hill

Performance Review Time - 2015 Edition

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With budgets out drying

And everyone trying to cover their rears

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's the hap happiest season of all

With morality beatings from higher up meetings

And fate coming to call

It's the hap happiest season of all

There'll be quartile ranking

Some bonus pay yanking

And quarreling out in the halls

If the stock price is tanking

Prepare for a spanking

Though it’s really not your fault at all

It's the most wonderful time that comes around

There'll be so much ass kissing

That Covergirl’s issuing

A new shade of brown

It's the most wonderful time that comes around

There'll be parity checking

Much pain in the necking

With bureaucracy reigning supreme

There’ll be legal reviews

And diversity shmoos

To the point you will just want to scream

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With budgets out drying

And everyone trying to cover their rears

It's the most wonderful time

Yes your pay raise is only a dime

Oh the most wonderful time of the year

Full Throttle Ride Report

Full Throttle is Six Flags Magic Mountain's newest roller coaster. It replaced the Log Jammer flume ride that opened with the park in 1971. This is sad because Log Jammer was a great hillside log ride. However, Magic Mountain is trying to be the thrill capital of the world and coasters are more thrilling than log flumes.

The ride, from Premier, has two trains accommodating 18 people each. There's a linear synchronous motor (electro-magnetic) launch system that accelerates the train quickly (it seemed like a couple of seconds) and directly into a vertical loop. This is no ordinary loop. At 160 feet, it's the tallest in the world. At the top, there is incredible hang time. The centrifugal force pushing your body toward the track and gravity pulling you downward are about equal so there is a sensation of floating through the top of the loop.

Following the loop, there is a sweeping right turn that travels up and over the top of the mountain (the magic mountain). On the back side of the mountain comes a direction changing diving loop that takes riders into a tunnel.

The tunnel was formerly used by the monorail back when it was in operation (1971 - 2001). In the tunnel, the train comes to a surprising but smooth stop. Riders are then launched backwards partially up the diving loop. Sit in the back row for the best effect here. The train then naturally reverses direction and travels forward through the tunnel with a boost. Exiting the tunnel, riders are taken through a turn and over the top of the loop.

Brakes (magnetic and smooth) kick in about half way down the following drop as the train approaches the nearby station.

Pros: Comfortable seats (if you watch the shin guards), top of loop hang time, reverse launch.

Cons: No more Log Jammer, short ride (a little over a minute).

I rode Full Throttle three times (because wait times were up to about an hour). It is not one of my favorite coasters. But it is unique and worth riding a few times. There are 17 other roller coasters at this park so a junkie can easily spend a couple of days here.

Knott's Berry Farm Coaster Report

Park date 1 November 2013

GhostRider: A 1998 wooden L-shaped double out-and-back roller coaster from Custom Coasters International. Wait times were painfully long due to single train operation. Ride time is ~3 minutes and unload/reload time is ~2 minutes (so the line moves forward by 28 people every 5 minutes). This was surprising as Cedar Fair parks are usually good with maximizing capacity. The coaster was riding reasonably well (a bit rough in the back but nothing to complain about). Unfortunately, the mid-course brake brought trains to almost a complete stop thereby degrading the second half of the course. Operations aside, the ride is good as-is but has the potential to be world-class -- all Knott's has to do is kill the mid-course brake (and keep up with track maintenance). Rode it twice.

Pony Express: A 2008 launched coaster from Zamperla where you ride horses instead of sitting in a seat. It's a fun moderate ride that's good for the novelty. Rode it twice.

Coast Rider: This is the park's newest coaster (replacing the Perilous Plunge water ride). Opened in May, it's a custom wild mouse from Mack Rides. The to-the-ground first drop opening (~50 ft) and the first series of hairpin turns get the ride off to a good start. However, the midcourse braking (I counted four points) and anticlimactic layout cause the coaster to fizzle out. Rode it once.

Boomerang: A stock Vekoma shuttle boomerang. Knott's used to have one of the original (1975) Corkscrew roller coasters from Arrow Dynamics (the design that started the modern inversion craze). In 1990, they replaced it with Boomerang. Why? - I may never know (but you can still ride the original Corkscrew at Silverwood Park in Idaho). Boomerang takes riders through a cobra roll and vertical loop forwards and then in reverse. Watch out for ear banging on the cobra roll. Rode it once.

Xcelerator: A 2002 hydraulic launch coaster from Intamin. This ride was a prototype for the world's two tallest coasters (Top Thrill Dragster and Kingda Ka). It's only half the height but is actually better in some ways in that the layout is more extensive. Riders are launched to 80 mph in 2 seconds, sent over a 200 ft top hat at 90 degree angles, and subjected to two banked turns (I kept greying out on the first one). Rode it 8 times (it was a walk-on and the ride operators let us stay on as long as there was no-one in line for our seats).

Silver Bullet: A 2004 inverted roller coaster from Bolliger and Mabillard. This six-inversion ride has a unique over-banked left turn and a surprising intense helix finale (over water). Rode it twice.

Jaguar!: A 1995 custom steel coaster from Zierer. This ride is heavy on theming but low on thrills. It's basically a scenic tour around the Fiesta Village section of the park. Good for the young people, pre-teen, who are not afraid of the theming.

Montezooma's Revenge: The oldest (from 1978) of six remaining shuttle loop coasters from Schwarzkopf. I've been on a lot of rides and there's nothing quite like the experience of going through the loop backwards in the rear car on this one. Rode it once.

Timberline Twister: A 1983 Bradley and Kaye (rare) kiddie coaster. I was technically too tall to ride but the operator was nice enough to let me contort myself on. This ride is a bit jerky but otherwise fun.

Sierra Sidewinder: A 2007 spinning coaster from Mack. This is a medium size twisted steel coaster where the cars spin (naturally) throughout the course. There is a speedy descending helix section in a white rock bed that is my favorite part. Not for those who get dizzy easily. Rode it twice. Each ride is different so this one is worth riding more than once.

Other rides of note: The classic Calico Mine Ride had been re-themed as The Witches Keep for Halloween. This is technically a roller coaster as it uses a chain lift and is powered by gravity (with speed controlled by a brake-person). I would like to ride it with no brakes. In a strange twist of irony, the Supreme Scream drop ride was being sponsored by Toyota (taking sudden acceleration to a new level?). Another classic, the Timber Mountain Log Ride (originally opened in 1969) had undergone a revitalization and was as good as ever.

California's Great America Coaster Report

Park date June 21st 2013

Demon: This coaster opened with the park in 1976 (albeit with a different outbound track layout). It's an Arrow with a double vertical loop and a double corkscrew (into a rock demon's mouth). Not a bad ride. Worth riding once. Rode it once.



 Grizzly: One of the lamest wooden roller coasters ever built. Drops are gradual, turn-arounds are slow, and pacing is casual. This is more of a scenic railway than a thrill ride. Rode it once.



 Psycho Mouse: This is a wild mouse ride from Arrow. Back in the old days, wild mouse (mice?) rides would throw riders from side to side on fast unbanked hairpin turns with the illusion of falling off the tracks. Now, courtesy of litigation, many wild mouse rides are plagued with brakes that continually slow cars down (to reduce lateral forces). To Great America's credit, I only noticed one of the multitude of brake runs slowing the car significantly. A decent ride (although I would like to do it completely brakeless). Rode it once.



 Woodstock's Express: A 1984 kiddie coaster from Intamin (renamed in 2010 to match the Peanuts theme). Riders must be less than 60 inches tall or accompanied by a child. Age discrimination I say. Could not ride.

 Taxi Jam: A kiddie coaster from Miler with a fun-looking twisted track. Once again, riders must be less than 60 inches tall or accompanied by a child. Could not ride.



 Flight Deck: Opened in 1993 (as Top Gun), this is B&M's second inverted coaster. Though short, it's still one of my favorite inverted rides. It's intense throughout, well paced, and has a great finale helix over water. Ride it in the front row for the view or in the back row (on an outer seat) for the most extreme physics. Rode it twice.



 Vortex: People scream on most roller coasters out of fear. On Vortex, people scream out of pain. This stand-up ride from B&M (their second coaster ever) is a 1900 ft long torture track through ear-bang hell. Here is a condensed personal narrative of the course: "Ouch ouch Ouch OUCH Ouch ouch Ouch" (and this coming from a guy who tends to like rough rides). Worth riding once (with ear protection and plenty of aspirin). Rode it twice - yes, I'm a masochist.



 Gold Striker: This is Great America's first new coaster in twelve years. It's a wooden ride from Great Coasters International. I've been on eight GCI coasters and this is my current favorite. It's fairly tall at 108 ft and fairly fast at 54 mph but the statistics don't matter. What I like is the relentless non-stop action all the way from the lift hill to the final (and only) brake run. The only negative thing is that the operators assign seats and will not let riders choose where they want to sit. Fortunately, we got lucky and scored the back car twice. For the best experience, ride this one in the back at night. Rode it five times.



Other Rides of Note: Take a spin on the double decker carousel. You can choose upper or lower level. And there are all kinds of animals to ride - not just horses.