Analog Al's Digital World

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Sequel

2012-01-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

Once again, it's corporate performance review time. I love this season so much that I cannot help but to break out in song. Please join me in part 3 of this series and sing along with the Andy Williams classic. Lyrics (new) are given below:

It's the mostwonderful time of the year

With the cogs self-assessing

And everyone stressing to cover their rears

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

It's thehap-happiest season of all

With those budgets depleting your best bet is seeing

Your friends take a fall

It’s the back-stabbingest season of all

There’ll be ranking and rating

Some spanking, berating

And ear stinging words of reproach

There’ll be forced distributions

And pay diminution

Because that’s the standard approach

It's the mostwonderful time of the year

There’ll be much missile throwing

And corporate line toeing when due dates are near

It's the mostwonderful time of the year

There’ll be ranting and raving

Some childlike behaving

And ear stinging words of reproach

There’ll be forced distributions

And pay diminution

In line with the standard approach

It's the mostwonderful time of the year

There’ll be corporate line toeing

And much whistle blowing to sabotage peers

It's the mostblunder filled time

There’s a corporate ladder to climb

Some will knuckleunder big time

Though pay raisesare less than a dime

Oh the mostwonderful time … of the year

Ohio Coaster-thon and Amusement Park Tour Trip Report

2011-07-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

July 4-12, 2011

Cedar Point

Roller Coasters

Blue Streak: This 1964 out-and-back woodie is still fun. It’s a bit rough due to wear but ridable. Rode it nine times.

Cedar Creek Mine Ride: Built in 1969 by Arrow Dynamics, this double lift mine train is exactly as I remembered it. Good ride with a drop over a pond and a downward helix finish. Rode it three times.

Corkscrew: 1976 Arrow Dynamics ride with double-down first drop, vertical loop and double corkscrew. Decent ride with the typical Arrow roughness. Rode it one time.

Gemini: This is a 1978 racing coaster with steel track on a wood frame by Arrow Dynamics. It’s basically a double mine train on steroids with a 118 foot drop. Jerky ride with un-smooth transitions. The middle and front train sections are ridable but the back will beat you up (I hurt my elbow in the rear car). The park has added two trim brake sections to lessen the jerkiness. Rode this one five times.

Jr. Gemini: I was too tall to ride this 1979 Intamin kiddie coaster with a top speed of 6 mph.

Wildcat: In 1979, the park replaced it’s older Wildcat with an identical new version. It’s an Anton Schwarzkopf design suitable for traveling fairs but works well as a permanent structure. Small but enjoyable ride with three drops to ground and two helixes (counter clockwise and clockwise). Rode it twice.

Disaster Transport: This Intamin ride opened in 1985 as a bobsled and was re-themed and enclosed in 1990 as a spaceship. Either I missed something on my two rides or the theming makes no sense whatsoever. My best guess is that the renovators were on drugs at the time and no-one from park management rode it for approval. Theming aside, it is a good ride though.

Iron Dragon: 1987 Arrow Dynamics suspended. A double lift tame steel suspended coaster (where cars freely swing under the tracks). Ride it if the line is short. Went on twice.

Magnum XL-200: This landmark 1989 Arrow Dynamics steel non-looping out-and-back coaster with pretzel turnaround has a 195 foot first drop and runs along the Lake Erie beach. It has the potential to be a great ride. Unfortunately, it is plagued by a restraint design flaw. The lap bars ratchet downward with no play room whatsoever painfully pinning riders’ legs to the seat. There is a trim brake brake at the turnaround (presumably for lessening leg pain on the return run). Rode it seven times - septuple ouch.

Mean Streak: Massive wooden coaster with a 155 foot drop from Summers and Dinn in 1991. The concept and layout is great in theory but it can be a brutally rough ride. Wooden coasters of this size require quality wood, careful profiling, and continuous maintenance. Mean Streak is in serious need of track work (especially after the second drop). There is a brake on the first drop plus a heavier mid-course brake run to alleviate wear and tear and rider suffering. Will this coaster meet the fate of other similar rides (Hercules was torn down and Texas Giant was rebuilt using steel track)? Time will tell. Rode it five times - pass the ibuprofen please.

Raptor: This is an early (1994) custom inverted coaster from Bolliger and Mabillard (B&M) with six inversions. Good ride all the way from the first 119 foot drop through the ending helix. Rode it four times (once in the front row - great visuals).

Mantis: A 1996 B&M stand-up with four inversions. Bring your ear protectors and acetaminophen - this is a rough riding headbanger (even with a trim brake on the first drop and a mid-course brake run). Two rides was enough on this one.

Woodstock Express: Expanded version of a Vekoma roller skater opened in 1999 and located in Camp Snoopy. Good coaster for kids. Rode it once.

Millennium Force: Year 2000 offering from Intamin with a 300 foot drop and over 6000 feet of track. One of the best steel coasters in existence. First turn g-forces are strong enough to cause grey-outs. My vision would typically return on the hill after the first tunnel. Rode this one five times (would have ridden more but lines were prohibitively long).

Wicked Twister: Linear induction motor (LIM) launched inverted shuttle coaster with two spiral towers from Intamin in 2002. Worth riding if the wait is short. Went on twice.

Top Thrill Dragster: 2003 Intamin hydraulic steel cable launched coaster. Dragster goes from 0 to 120 mph in 4 seconds then goes 400 feet straight up and straight down. Short but thrilling. Not for the faint of heart. Rode it three times.

Maverick: Opened in 2007, this is the park’s newest coaster. It’s a steelie from Intamin with two linear synchronous motor launches and a beyond vertical (95 degree) first drop. This is a high speed ground hugging twisting ride that takes pain to a new level. Lap bars tend to tightly pin riders’ legs to the seat and the sudden turns bash peoples’ ears against the shoulder restraints (do not wear ear rings - unless you like to bleed). Rode it six times (yes I am a masochist).

Other Rides of Note

Cedar Downs: This is a classic 1921 Prior and Church derby carousel where the horses race each other. There are only three in the world.

Cedar Point & Lake Erie Railroad: The track has not changed since opening in 1963 even though the park has developed around it. The skeleton town of Boneville remains.

Shoot the Rapids: This is a new boat flume ride built by Intamin that opened in 2010. It’s anticlimactic as the second (and final) drop is small compared to the first one (85 feet). Also, the ground level flume sections are very slow.

WindSeeker: New for 2011, this is a circular swing ride on growth hormones. At 300 feet tall, it offers a great view of the park (if you don’t get dizzy).

Giant Wheel: This is supposed to be a two minute ride on a 136 foot tall Ferris wheel. For us, it turned out to be over a forty minute ride as the wheel got stuck while we were on it.

Observations

Cedar Point seems to have evolved from a traditional amusement park into a precision corporate money-making machine. Price gouging lurks around every corner. $10 to park (unless you have a season pass). ~$4 for a soda. $2 or $3 for a one time use locker (for rides that do not allow carry on items). $10 for an all day locker. There are expensive souvenir photos available upon entry and on-board most major rides. They are publicly displayed (for a brief time) but the park will not let you capture an image of the photo. No free personal pictures of yourself, you have to pay the asking price. Game areas are scattered throughout the park (it seemed like there was always a game visible from just about any location in the park). Advertising displays appear along walkways (like Kingsford and John Deere). Chain restaurants have invaded the place (Subway, Panda Express and Chick-fil-A to name a few). Theft is also a problem. We had flip flops go missing in the water park and a backpack taken in the ride park. Now we know why the employees are constantly saying “Cedar Point is not responsible for lost or stolen items.” The rides are good (for the most part) but the overall enjoyability factor has sadly taken a downward turn.

Kings Island

Roller Coasters

Racer: This is a John Allen (same guy that worked on the Cedar Point Blue Streak) wooden dual track racing coaster that opened with the park in 1972. Kings Island was running both tracks forward synchronized for racing. The ride has been well maintained and is still as fun as I recall (yeah, my memory goes back that far). Rode it three times.

Woodstock Express: Another John Allen woodie that opened with the park. This is a small kiddie/family coaster originally called Scooby Doo. Great starter ride for the younger crowd. Rode it once.

Beast: This is the longest wooden coaster in the world (and the third longest of any type). Running since 1979, it is primarily a terrain coaster with two sizable lift hills. Unfortunately for die-hards and purists, the Beast has been declawed. There are four brake-points throughout the course that slow trains right when things start to get interesting. It’s still fun, especially at night, but no longer has the out-of-control feeling. Rode it seven times.

Vortex: 1987 six inversion acrobatic coaster from Arrow Dynamics. This ride was closed without explanation.

Adventure Express: Arrow Dynamics mine train built in 1991. A surprisingly fun mine ride with action starting immediately out of the station. Got three rides in on this one.

Great Pumpkin Coaster: 1992 Miler kiddie coaster at what used to be the entrance to Enchanted Voyage. Too tall to ride.

Flight Deck: From Arrow Dynamics in 1993, this is the last of ten suspended coasters. Only five remain in operation. This is one of the better designs with nonstop action from lift hill to station. Rode it three times.

Flight of Fear: 1996 Premier Rides LIM launched indoor coaster. This ride is a big twisted spaghetti ball of steel in a building. Fortunately, the old head banging horse collar restraints have been replaced with lap bars making for a comfortable ride. A heavy mid-course brake brings trains to a virtual stop before continuing onto the second half. Fun and disorienting ride. Only rode once due to long lines.

Invertigo: This 1999 Vekoma inverted triple inversion shuttle (formerly called Face Off) has riders facing each other. Worth riding if the wait is short. Rode it once.

Flying Ace Arial Chase: This is a small Vekoma non-looping inverted coaster that opened in 2001. Good ride for the youngsters. Rode it once.

Backlot Stunt Coaster: 2005 Premier Rides LIM launched coaster with a Mini Cooper car theme. The spiral climb after launch, special effects and outdoor/indoor combination make this a joy ride. We went on four times.

Firehawk: This is an “old” style flying coaster by Vekoma originally opened in 2001. The line was long because only a single train was operating. Some members of our party braved the line for a ride. I skipped it. Luckily, I had a chance to ride it in 2004 when it was located at Geauga Lake. Not a bad ride but more of a novelty than anything else.

Diamondback: KI’s newest coaster built by B&M in 2009. Tall, steep, fast and long. The cars are surprisingly comfortable (nap-worthy) and have floor-less V shaped seating for a floating sensation and great visibility. The mid-course brake over-slows the trains for the second half. Other than that, it’s an excellent ride. Rode it five times.

Son of Beast: This giant wood coaster was built in 2000 and has been plagued with problems (mostly structural) since opening. It has not operated since 2009. The ride is still visible but is not accessible to park guests. It has been removed from maps and promotional material. My prediction is that Son of Beast is destined for the scrap lumberyard. Fortunately, the father lives on.

Other Rides of Note

Boo Blasters on Boo Hill, a ride through ghost shooting attraction, has replaced the Enchanted Voyage cartoon character boat ride. Boo I say - bring back the boats and cartoons (but maybe not the song).

Dinosaurs Alive: Though there is an up-charge, this new for 2011 attraction is a well done educational walk through exhibit.

Windseeker: This is the same ride as the one at Cedar Point.

Stricker’s Grove

Roller Coasters

Tornado: This mid-sized double out-and-back wooden coaster was built by grove owner Ralph Stricker and opened in 1993. It is only open to the public a few days a year. Fun ride with a couple of surprise airtime pops near the end. Rode it twice.

Teddy Bear: A junior wood coaster also built by Ralph Stricker which opened in 1996. Good ride for the kids. Rode it once.

Perks for Jerks

2011-04-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

In an effort to attract and retain top talent, technology companies often benchmark their policies against those of other similar players. In a recent review by the Technology for Humanity Consortium [known as (and for using) THC], it came to light that a major California based computer and printer corporation had an edge. The company, that will remain nameless (but whose initials are HP), uses a practice called Pay for Foul Play where an executive may receive hefty sums of cash and stock for activities ranging from falsifying expense reports to engaging in secret personal relationships with a contractor of the opposite sex. In the interest of fairness, THC is recommending that all tech companies start their own competitive programs. Many leading organizations are already on board and have launched new policies that are open to all employees (not just executives). There are an array of payout levels that include cash, stock, and other benefits distributed across a wide spread of questionable activities. Although details cannot be revealed, trial runs of pilot programs tailored to individual company preferences have proven to be enormously popular. These include Perks for Jerks, Roll in the Hay for Pay, and Expensing out of the Box. There has never been a greater time to join a tech corp. Break out that resume, call a headhunter, and start misbehaving today.

Cancer Study Results – No Link between Semiconductor Work and Mortality

2011-04-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

The Semiconductor Manufacturing Assembly Research & Test ASSociation (SMARTASS for short) would like to share reassuring results of an exhaustive multi-year study covering numerous semiconductor industry workers that found no statistically valid scientifically proven association between overall cancer mortality and working in the semiconductor business. The study was conducted by a diverse team of researchers from Philip Morris and other trustworthy organizations. The principal finding was that work in the semiconductor industry was not associated with increased cancer mortality.*

[*relative to elderly populations, those with high sun exposure, and Russian nuclear power plant workers.]

In layman's terms, the study results mean that if you work in the semiconductor industry, you are not at increased risk of dying from cancer compared to a laboratory animal consuming ten times its body weight in toxic chemicals on a regular basis. This is reassuring news for people that can't think for themselves.

The study was recently released for publication in the Journal of Cancer Treatment for Profit (special Ka-Ching edition). SMARTASS remains committed to pretending that there is a safe work environment for all technology employees. If you have questions or concerns; please plop yourself down on a couch, smoke some cigarettes, munch some junk food, drink some water (preferably arsenic laced), and forget about it.

I Want My Google TV (?)

2010-11-25T23:03:00.000-08:00

[With apologies to Dire Straits]

I want my

I want my Google TV…

Smart television mojo, that’s the way to do it

Play Jersey Shore from the MTV

It ain’t workin’, Viacom won’t do it

Content unavailable ‘cept for normal PCs

No it ain’t workin’, What’s the way to do it?

Lemme tell ya Smart TV seems dumb

Maybe stream some clips from Jerry Springer

Just don’t try to watch ‘em over VH1

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

See network news in the morning when you wake up

Replay finale of So You Think You Can Dance

Watch episodes of The Office so you crack up

But with Google’s browser you don’t stand a chance

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

I shoulda bought a laptop with WiDi

I shoulda known Smart TV was dumb

Lookin’ for medical drama, clickin’ on Grey’s Anatomy

It’s ABC, so I can have none

And what’s that new show? Hawaii Five-0?

Haven’t seen an episode since the 70’s

It ain’t workin”, CBS won’t do it

Content unavailable ‘cept for normal PCs

Nobody blocks my microwave oven

Or custom kitchen accessories

No-one disables my refrigerator

It ain’t the same with Google TV

Listen here, it ain’t workin’, What’s the way to do it?

Unplugged guitar jams on the MTV

It ain’t workin’, Viacom won’t do it

Spent my money for nothin’, I can’t even watch Glee

Spent my money for nothin’, but I can click for free

Money for nothin’, Fox-blocked from Glee

Money for nothin’, got a black-listed IP

Spent my money for nothin’, and I can’t watch Glee

I don’t want my, I don’t want my, I don’t want my Google TV

I don’t want my, I don’t want my, I don’t want my Google TV…

[The opinions herein do not necessarily reflect the views of any of the aforementioned or implied parties. Actually, they do not even necessarily reflect the views of the author. Any registered or unregistered trademarks or service-marks making an appearance are strictly incidental and rights remain with the respective owning entities. Please don’t sue me.]

The Second Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2010-07-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, it’s half-year corporate performance review season. This is my favorite time period – second only to annual reviews. A sequel sing-along is definitely in order. Here we go once again to the Andy Williams classic It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (this time with further revised lyrics):

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

With accomplishment gathering

And everyone blathering about their careers

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

It’s the second happiest season of all

With employees competing team work starts receding

Then slows to a crawl

It’s the second happiest season of all

There’ll be out-standers coasting

Some scapegoats for toasting

And quarreling high and low

There’ll be contrary stories

And task inventories

Though Full-Year was not long ago

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be much BS flowing

And horns will be blowing to out-sound all peers

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be prognosticating

Out-of-cycle ratings

Comparisons fast to slow

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Half-Years of long long ago

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be much BS flowing

And horns will be blowing to out-sound all peers

There’s a corporate ladder to climb

Though your pay raise is less than a dime

It’s the second most wonderful time of the year

Corporate America Updates Stock Options Pricing Model

2010-04-04T22:18:00.001-07:00

In a desperate move to retain top talent, corporations across the country have developed stock option exchange programs where employees can exchange old underwater options for a smaller number of new options at current market prices. Typically, fair values of stock options (surrendered and received) are determined using the Black-Scholes option pricing model. The mathematical equation is:

C = SN(d1) – Xe(-rt)N(d2)

d1 = (ln(S/X) + (r + s2/2)t)/(s√t)

d2 = d1 - s√t

Where C is the theoretical call price, S is the current stock price, N is the cumulative standard normal distribution function, X is the option strike price, r is the risk-free interest rate, t is the time until option expiration, and s is the standard deviation of stock returns.

However, late-breaking research has shown that this model (developed in the 1970s) is only valid for options granted earlier than the year 2000. Fortunately, financial economist Nylon Hole has taken over where Black (and Scholes) left off. Based on Fischer Black’s earlier work and accounting for uncertainty in 21st century market fluctuations, Nylon has introduced an updated option pricing formula. Subject to approval by Wall Street bankers (and their government tools), the new Black-Hole model will be used in most exchange programs. The equation is:

Pg + DCbb + Rg = B-H

Where Pg is grant price, DCbb is the dot.com bubble burst, Rg is the great recession, and B-H is the final value of your stock options. By definition, “B-H” means that employees’ options have been sucked into a black hole of worthlessness and will never escape unless and until there is a change in the fundamental physical laws of the universe.

Hopefully, no-one will be disappointed. The workers know that they helped make their workplaces the great companies they are today, and that feeling should be good enough. The corporate entities combined would like to extend a challenge to all employees: let’s stay focused on what we need to do and just forget about this whole stock option thing. Have faith in the future.

A 10th of a Second of Pain

2010-02-15T22:35:00.000-08:00

Ever find yourself in a taxing situation? I just filed my US federal income taxes. Per normal course, shock and depression quickly set in at the sizable chunk of change flowing from paycheck to treasury. We’re talking 16% of income (and that’s fed only – ignoring state, local, sales, and other taxes). That’s like working two months out of the year just to support my favorite uncle (Sam). Then, as usual, reason set in. It’s all in how one looks at things. How big of a burden is this really? A few calculations revealed that I only kept the national government running for approximately one tenth of a second (0.1 s). How can that be too much to ask? Now that the pain of paying is over, I feel better already.

PowerPoint Is My Brother

2010-02-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

I gaze up at the enormous icon. Twenty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the bullet fields and pie chart. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickle down the sides of my nose. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love PowerPoint.

Korea rules US currency as good as cash

2010-01-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

US currency ($) has been an intriguing area of multinational transactions with different regions and countries treating the more or less fictional money supply differently.

In what could be a landmark decision, South Korea today boldly declared that US currency is the equivalent of real-world money.

The ruling allowing US money sets a new course for Korea. US dollars there, like many other places, have long been the sole province of board games like Monopoly. The decision was based on the acquittal of a family who fell on hard times and tried using their game USDs at a local store.

Other countries have tried similar US-dollar for real-cash swapping experiments with problematic results in part due to dollar holders scoffing at the idea of paying taxes on such a transaction.

But don’t write off the possibility of this concept expanding. Dramatic growth in the nonexistent US money supply has trickled down into games worldwide and more and more people are finding themselves in situations where they could use a bit of extra real money. Sooner or later, world citizens may want to do something meaningful with their US dollars. If and when that happens, things could get really interesting.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2010-01-16T23:28:00.000-08:00

Oh boy, it’s corporate performance review time! This is one of my favorite periods – so much so that I feel like breaking out into song. To share the occasion, I propose a sing-along. So find a karaoke machine or stream up your favorite music channel and select the Andy Williams classic It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Lyrics (slightly revised) are given below:

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With accomplishments swelling

And everyone yelling about their careers

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's the hap-happiest season of all

With employees competing the staff level meeting

Erupts in a brawl

It's the hap-happiest season of all

There’ll be bragging and boasting

Key strengths diagnosing

Comparisons high to low

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Performance reviews long ago

It's the most wonderful time of the year

They’ll be much quid pro quoing

And all hope they’re plateauing over their peers

It's the most wonderful time of the year

There’ll be bragging and boasting

Harsh subjective roasting

Like a reality TV show

There’ll be whipping post stories

And tales that are gory from

Performance reviews long ago

It's the most wonderful time of the year

They’ll be much quid pro quoing

And everyone’s busily sharpening their spears

It's the most blunder filled time

It’s the knuckle under big time

It's the most wonderful time of the year

A Visit from St. Nickel-less

2009-12-24T13:38:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, and after the bell

Analysts were preparing more recommendations to sell;

The stock-holders had been hung out to dry with despair,

With predictions that Dow Jones would continue as bear;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of college money drained from their heads,

And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Could not settle our brains worth a long winter’s crap —

When out all around there arose layoff chatter,

After spending my life climbing corporate ladder.

Away from big profits we flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, and threw out the cash.

The doom in the eyes of the new fallen many,

Gave the luster of value to even a penny;

When what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But incalculable losses from investments unclear,

How could age old investors be this out of whack?

I knew in a moment it must have been crack.

More rabid than bats the coursers they came

Someone whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now! Crasher, now! Cancer, now! Lancer, and Vixen,

“On! Vomit, on! Stupid, on! Blunder and Nixon;

To the repossessed Porsche! To the Street of the Wall!

“Cash dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As bubbles before the realities hit,

When they meet with an obstacle, must not admit;

So up toward the housing foreclosures they flew,

With a sleigh full of assumptions too good to be true:

And then after thinking Did somebody goof?

Came the hemming and hawing of economists aloof.

As I grew in my dread, hoping for a turn around,

Down the chimney St. Nickel-less came with a bound:

He was mess’d up for sure, a sight not to forget,

His fur clothes had been garnished to pay for past debt;

A bag nearly empty was hung on his back,

And he look’d like a panhandler in need of a snack:

His eye brows were wrinkled! His dimples: how scary,

His cheeks needed lotion, his breath reeked of sherry;

The drool from his mouth drained way down to his toe,

And the yellow stained beard was like huskies in snow;

The hope of a pipedream past held in belief,

Had gone up in smoke with no asset relief.

He had a broad face, and a distended belly

In desperate need of a trip to the deli:

Others’ folly had spelled the fall of this old elf,

And I cried when I saw him in spite of myself;

The stink of this guy and the cyst on his head

Soon gave me to thinking I’d rather be dead.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And stole all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk,

It’s hard to keep feet warm up at the North Pole,

And having the socks, up the chimney he strolled.

He clung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like a ballistic missile:

But I heard him exclaim, in the midst of all blight —

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Snow

2009-12-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

Flurries and drifts of winter fun

Sliding down a toboggan run

Snowball fights where both sides won

I’ve looked at snow that way

But now I must behave adult

I’m late for work but it’s not my fault

Get the plow and pour the salt

The snow is in the way

I’ve looked at snow from both sides now

From pro and con and still somehow

It’s snow’s illusions that I recall

I really don’t know snow at all

[credit to Joni]

Phantom of the Little Opera House on the Prairie

2009-11-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

In a colossal double-booking error, ASU Gammage recently discovered that it had scheduled both Phantom of the Opera and Little House on the Prairie in early December 2009. Negotiations for an early end to the Phantom run proved fruitless. When asked for comment, Christine said “no one ever thinks of me in these situations” while the Phantom was of the opinion that things were past the point of no return. Rescheduling Little House was not a viable option either. When approached with the idea, Ma became furious and exclaimed “Do you think you’re dealing with a bunch of country girls? There will be no prairie moves.” In the end, a compromise was reached. For the overlapping period, both musicals will be merged into one – Phantom of the Little Opera House on the Prairie. In striking irony, early reviews report that the combined production could be a bigger hit than any single musical ever. So get your tickets now and prepare for entertainment to the 2nd degree. Songs include:

Angel in the Kitchen
We’re Lost in a 4th of July Masquerade
All I Ask of You is to make it Home
Wishing You Could Somehow See Again
Thunder of the Night

By the way, please don’t mention anything to Annie or Mary Poppins (or Jesus Christ for that matter). Things are complicated enough already.

See you at the Gammage!

Ruptured Problem Solving

2009-10-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

Corporate America Launches New Problem Solving Methodology

Companies have often struggled with problem solving. Many approaches have been tried over the years – all attempting to instill structure and formalize a process. Yet problems remain. Some linger perpetually, some fade in and out over time, and new ones are always popping up. Many years have passed with no new thinking on problem solving methodology and it is clearly time for something new.

A recent review of critical problem post-mortems across several industries revealed that the current structured approach almost always broke down due to being overly contrived and in conflict with human nature. For this reason, a new approach has been developed with an emphasis on leveraging natural inclinations.

Here is an overview of how it works:

“Decline the Problem”

Research has shown that the single most difficult part of problem solving is actually solving the problem. Therefore, to avoid getting bogged down in unfruitful endeavors, it is best to avoid the whole “problem” mentality altogether. There are several techniques available but they all boil down to a single common behavior – pretending like the problem does not exist.

“Understate the Current Situation”

In the event that a problem cannot be completely denied, downplay its importance to the most minor consequence possible. With a little practice, you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to rationalize how not solving a problem makes more sense than solving it. For best effect, be sure to use data (preferably the kind that no-one can check for validity).

“Misidentify Causes”

If difficulties are encountered ignoring or marginalizing a problem, then it is time to find causes. People in positions of power the world over have known for ages that the roots of most problems lie with the messenger. Follow their lead and launch a new episode of the blame game with the reporter targeted finger-point-blank in your sites. He or she is most likely a whiney malcontent groping for something to complain about or simply misstating information due to having no real understanding of the way things work.

“Act Surprised and Find a Solution”

At this point, one of two things is true. Either the nonexistent/trivial problem has gone unnoticed and everything is fine or the business is crumbling due to an out of control process. Guess what? It looks like that pesky non-problem bug that was biting at your butt metamorphosed into a monster that just chomped off both glutei maximi in their entirety. But now is not the time for panic. Just act like there was never any indication that a potential problem ever existed. Oh, and by the way, this is the perfect time to come up with some sort of solution.

“Step up for Credit”

Once a solution is finally in place, make sure that credit is given where credit is due. Translation: make sure that you yourself are fully recognized for pulling the activity out of a nearly catastrophic situation.

As you can see, this new approach is masterfully natural and requires little (or no) training. So toss those tired old cumbersome methods away and embrace the new program. Just remember – Decline, Understate, Misidentify, Act Surprised, and Step up (or turn it into a catchy acronym for easy recall). The path to problem solving euphoria is finally before us.

PowerPoint of no Return

2009-08-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

[Sung to the tune of "The Point of no Return" from The Phantom of the Opera]

You have come here

To conform to a presenting style

To convert what was meaningful content to sound bites

sound bites

I will show you

How to create a dot PPT file

The civilized world has already come to see

This is the way documentation was meant to be

Now you have been set free

One bullet thoughts in the template provided

provided

PowerPoint of no return

No backward glances

The ways we used to write are at an end

Complex thought is not allowed

Keep it simplistic

Abandon thought and let the slides begin

What catchy title shall fill the page?

What section headers are in store?

What neat production lies before us?

PowerPoint of no return

A frenzied slide show

The auto-content wizard went berserk

In the PowerPoint of no return

You have brought me

To a place paragraphs don’t apply

Where thoughtfully written reports disappear into sounds bites

sound bites

I had come here

Knowing only in-depth summaries

In my mind I’ve already distilled them to

Text boxes, smart art, and other such eye candy

Now I know what to do

One bullet thoughts in the template provided

provided

PowerPoint of no return

A never-ending slide show

With page to page transitions that annoy

Past all hope of knowledge gained

Zero retention

But with animated inserts to enjoy

Where the sub bullets run so deep

That half the listeners are asleep

While others squint at the small font size

PowerPoint of no return

The final version

The slides go on and on without adjourn

In the PowerPoint of no return

Update from the Corporate Office

2009-08-09T01:34:00.000-07:00

Businesses across the country and around the world have been slashing jobs at astounding rates. But some companies are bucking the trend with innovative ideas. For example, below is a letter recently sent to all employees of a leading corporation.

We want to make it perfectly clear that protecting jobs is our top priority. However, this comes with trade-offs. So, my fellow coworkers, ask not what your company can do for you (other than preserve your job); ask what you can do for your company.

Effectively immediately, there is no such thing as discretionary and non-discretionary spending. All spending is discretionary. And discretionary spending must be drastically reduced. With this in mind, all employees are being asked (errr ... told) to adhere to new guidelines, some of which are posted below:

Airfare Drive instead.

Automobile Use your own damn car.

Hotels A hostel is better (and contains the same letters).

Free Drinks The free drink program has been modified. Soda and coffee will be replaced with water (and reclaimed waste water at that). This will not only cut costs, but help with conservation.

Supplies Supply your own. If it's good enough for public school teachers, it's good enough for us.

Training If you can't do your job by now, you're hosed anyway.

Consulting No consulting fees are allowed. The only exception is for consulting fees associated with eliminating the costs of consulting.

Heating For those in cold climates, wear a sweater to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much above freezing.

Cooling For those in hot climates, wear shorts and a t-shirt to work. It makes no sense in these times to artificially bring facility temperatures much below the heat stroke threshold.

Software Use freeware. It's all a bunch of 1's and 0's anyway. And don't worry about IT (Information Technology). They'll be happy to have the additional job security that comes with ferreting out undesirable rogue applications.

Intangibles Intangible spending has been way too high lately. The actual amount is unclear but it is most certainly out of control. Please bring intangible costs down to an acceptable level (whatever that may be).

There you have it - our current thinking to get us through these uncertain economic times. Thanks in advance for your cooperation (and remember what happens if you don't). Further updates will be given as needed.

Ugly mug? Bag it!

2009-05-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

New vision-friendly campaign rolls out across the country and world

This year, many corporations across the country and around the world are rolling out an “Ugly mug? Bag it!” campaign. The operation asks facial-beauty-challenged employees to use paper bags when they are at work.

There is a growing trend for workers to break away from their isolated cubicles and spend more time socializing face to face with real people. As a result, it has become strikingly apparent that many colleagues are simply plain or downright repulsive to look at. But many organizations believe that the office environment should be a Gorgeous Place To Work. It is in this spirit that the campaign was launched.

Ugly employees are encouraged to bring their own reusable bags from home and wear them over their heads at all times when visual contact is possible. In addition, low-cost paper bags are being offered for sale in lobbies to be given as subtle gifts to those coworkers who may not realize that they should get with the program.

These leading companies are striving to offer the best in workplace pleasantness and create a more beautiful tomorrow.

So “Ugly mug? Bag it!”

[For additional information, contact anyone other than the author of this post.]

Career Advice: How to Pursue Job Satisfaction and Longevity – Madonna Style

2009-05-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

Brought to you by Corporate Employee Miscommunications

In an effort to attract and retain younger (and cheaper) employees, corporations are encouraging workers (especially recent graduates) to constantly reinvent themselves, have fun, stay fresh, and keep learning. The line may go something like this - “If Madonna can do it, so can you.”

For those with reinvention block, here are some specific tips on how to kick your career into the next gear:

Publish a borderline pornographic book for casual reading pleasure. Why let your thoughts and visions languish in your mind? Put them on paper for the world to see.
Go on a late night talk show and spout profanities throughout the appearance. Have no fear, the censors will ensure that nothing leaks out in full over the air waves. And don’t forget to remove your underwear before the show and give them to the host.
Have a child with your personal trainer. Or make it two. Go ahead and raise the bar on how personal you can get with your fitness trainer.
Kiss Britney and Christina (or other same-sex pop stars of your choice). Feel free to explore your pent-up curiosity (preferably on international television) and see where it takes things.
Stage a mock crucifixion as part of a concert tour that includes a performance in Rome within walking distance of the Vatican (and send the Pope an invitation while you’re at it). But don’t limit yourself to offending any one world religion, there are many to choose from.

Most importantly, take your company into the music biz and sign up to work on the debut album release and concert tour. See how high you can climb up the charts. Others have done it with hit songs like:

4 Minutes to Save the Factory
Give It 2 Me (My Raise), and
The Shift Goes On, And On (featuring Pain from All Directions)

So climb on board with corporate America for satisfaction, longevity (that’s right, Madonna is from Generation Jones … before X and Y), fun, freshness, and never-ending reinvention.